I’m so sorry for what I’m about to do. I hope one day you understand.
One more form of social media for me to vent whatever imaginings, frustrations, and musings pop into my weird head. I plan on this being much more personal than my Twitter, so don't be surprised to learn I'm a girl.
I’m so sorry for what I’m about to do. I hope one day you understand.
To be happy, content, normal, functional. It feels so good to be in a relationship that’s easy and effortless. Let me look for this from now on, instead of some treacherous firestorm.
Finally learning that passion doesn’t have to be ridiculously high highs and horribly low lows. It feels absolutely amazing.
I think I know everything but in my strongest moments of vulnerability I’m fully aware that I’m just a lost little girl.
I get sick of you, I favor someone else, I resent you, I get angry with you, I write you off
I see that picture of us at the Rockies game on my end table, the one where my arms are wrapped around your giant body and I’m kissing your cheek and you have that perfect smile on your face.
And I fall right back in love with you.
I’ve remembered those last hours of our functional relationship lately (before the lack of trust, the off and on that we’ve been doing for the last year and a half). The hours where we sat in your car and I was ending things and you, the biggest, strongest, most pride full man I’ve ever met cried with a scrunched up brow, your face looking as if you’d just been shot, and begged me not to leave you. You kept saying “just stay, don’t do this, don’t leave me. Please, Melanie. Just stay.” And I held strong and told you I was done. It’s odd that I managed to forget that exchange, that I somehow blocked it out only to remember it recently, a year and a half later. When I think of it my heart aches at my naivete, at my lack of emotion, at my cold heartedness for this person who at one point had encompassed my every thought. Who sometimes still does. How could I have done that to you? I literally can’t find myself capable of such a thing.
You told me recently that you still love me but I’m too indecisive, and you can’t trust that. I denied it but it’s true. The other morning you were lying with your head on my chest and my arms were around you and I stroked your hair and your giant arms and I felt nothing. I admired how beautiful you are, I really think you are the most handsome man I’ve ever seen, and was shocked at how it felt almost friendly. But now I’m laying here in the same bed wishing that same position back, a mere three days later, so I could tell you that I love you and I always will and I could feel that something again. If that’s not the epitome of indecisive I’m not sure what would be.
My friend told me today that she honestly thinks that you and I will end up together. Her exact words were “you guys keep distancing yourself from each other but something always brings you back together.” She said she doesn’t think it will be for years, until we’ve both grown. I don’t see how it could happen, but I also don’t see how it couldn’t.
I should have told you that the resentment from all of the things you haven’t said to me, all of the affection I’ve been craving from you but you’re too stubborn to give, all of the feelings I wish you would divulge to me but you think you’re too tough to, was wiped out when you described exactly where I was and what I was doing the moment you first saw me over three years ago.
You remembered. I never thought you would. Not only did you remember you told me. You swallowed your pride in a maneuver so effortless had I not been paying such close attention I would have missed it, and you told me. For some reason, regardless of the way you’ve sometimes mistreated me the last year and a half since we have officially split up, I’ve never doubted that you love me. When you tell me I don’t necessarily feel it because that’s not how it is with you and I, it’s in the things you do: the way you talk to me, still delicate of my feelings even though at one point I stomped on yours; the way you touch me every so often, almost like I’m fragile; how in those random times you wake up in the night or the early morning before settling back into sleep you roll over, place a big hand around my waist, and pull my back to you to be your little spoon; and the way I always internally wonder how you just managed to pull me across the whole bed so easily with one hand while half asleep.
I’ve actually been mourning the loss of a different relationship today, and yet here I am writing about you again. Will I ever let you go? Maybe I should burn the picture, or at least place it face down. I dream of a day when you can be the person I need you to be, and I can be the person you need me to be again. I think that day we’ll go to a Rockies game and I’ll wrap my arms around you and kiss your cheek and you’ll smile that perfect smile.
Also, when I told you that you gave me the two best gifts I’ve ever been given I meant it. You’re the only one who knows me well enough to know that Format poster and the book were perfectly made for me :)
Since you’re the only one that reads my posts anyways…
I hope that you know you’re my soulmate. When I say that I don’t even mean in a romantic way. I mean you’re the person that was put on Earth to be my long lost whatever. You’re the only person that knows me inside out- I tell you everything. You’re the only person that knows about my family, my past, anything. Not only that, you’re the only person that’s stuck around as long as you have. You know that I’m a complete weirdo and that I HATE talking about my feelings in any capacity, and that I always try to act like I don’t care about anything. But I care about you, to infinity and beyond. There’s a reason I tell you everything, and it’s because I trust you whole-heartedly, something that no one else has ever earned. I don’t tell you how important you are to me because it feels weird, creepy or something. But in all honesty it’s not, it’s just pure, unadulterated love. To everyone but you I describe you as my CLOSEST friend, because honestly (as sad as this may sound) you’re probably the person I am closest to on Earth. You know I’ve drank my fair share as I write this because I wouldn’t say it otherwise, but there’s a reason I feel like writing this declaration down and it’s because I feel like you’ve been so good to me over the years, and so good FOR me over the years, but I’m too shy to tell you how I actually feel- and when I do, sometimes I feel like I’m guilt tripping you for moving. Whenever I said “Do you ever think about just running away?” I meant together. The fact that you’re going without me hurts but I know that it’s the best possible thing for you and I am so happy for you. I just am selfish enough to admit that I’m not sure how to live without you. I know we don’t talk every day but you really are a huge presence in my life even when you’re not in front of me. You’re the only person that brings me back to my old self, the person I used to be and loved- the one that didn’t care about the bars or the downtown scene or any of those things that don’t mean anything. I can just tell that every time I try and tell you what you mean to me that you think I’m just saying words, but I’m not. You mean so much to me, an incomprehensible amount. Words couldn’t begin to describe. I’m so lucky to have known someone with a heart as genuine and pure as yours. You are everything to me- you’re above anything a friend, a family member, or even a lover could ever be. I hope you know how amazing you are, how caring and special and unique you are. I hope you know how much you mean to people. How much you mean to me. I hope no matter what befalls either of us that we manage to have some connection to each other because I literally do not feel like I could breathe on an Earth you don’t exist on. You’re the last piece of goodness left on this rotting rock.
I love you forever, I’m so lucky to be your friend. I know this is mushy and unlike me but I just want you to know how much having you around means, and not only to me I’m sure.
Ray Lamontagne on a cloudy day.
forgetting all judgement of past actions in favor of the moments you share.
running away together- because it doesn’t matter where in the world you are as long as you’re together.
I don’t care about anything but this ideal I’ve built up. The palm reader in Venice told me to enjoy the love I get while I have it and to stop “just trying to get married”. I’m not sure how she read me so easily but I’m sure she was right, and that even so I still won’t listen.
All in all I had a very full life- it’s just that it didn’t mean anything to me. The fact was, there was only one thing that meant something to me.
(From “About A Boy”, not a suicide note)